***
I opened my eyes. A new day has begun. The sun was shining. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. A light, pleasant breeze was blowing. Birds were chirping everywhere, fluttering in different directions. They looked happy. I shook my head. At times I envy them. Their life is simple. It consists entirely of instincts. Reason, of course, is a great thing, but it gives a cloud of such unpleasant little things as constant thinking about the future, soul-searching, remorse… And dreams… On the one hand, a dream is a good thing, but on the other… When you just dream, no matter what, but when the desire to make dreams come true becomes your illness, everything gets worse. I have a dream. Stars. I don’t even know how to formulate this more precisely. I want to reach for the stars, or I want to find a fallen star, or I want to admire them. Probably all at once. My friends, Radmir and Ildar, laughed at this at times, but said nothing. My beloved, Asya, also had nothing against it, except that sometimes she thought my obsession with the stars was strange. However, on the day when everything happened, on the day when the star fell and my heart told me to find this star, they said nothing. They just started packing their things. When I asked what they were doing they said they were coming with me. “Someone must take care of you, you’re down,” Asya said with a beaming smile. I didn’t answer them, because I couldn’t prohibit anything, but my soul warmed.
***
We’ve been going for two weeks now. It turned out to be quite difficult to measure the distance, so I don’t know how far we’ve already walked. Ildar is sure that we have lost our course; it seems to him that we have gone too far north. He always considered himself smarter than everyone else. He can’t understand. I know where we need to go. I know very clearly. My heart tells me. It feels like there’s a little star beating in my chest, telling me where to find her big sister. I would explain this to Ildar, but he is a down-to-earth person, he doesn’t believe in what he doesn’t see, so it doesn’t make sense. Radmir entertained us with different stories throughout the journey. This man is just a treasure trove of stories and tall tales. The only pity is that sometimes he starts telling them at the most inopportune time. Asya just walks next to me and holds my hand. She understands better than anyone what is happening in my soul. I feel sorry for her at times. I’ve never loved her the way I love my stars, much less the way she loves me. I don’t deserve this and neither does she.
***
We’ve been going for a https://leader-betcasino.co.uk/login/ month and a half now. We’re all pretty thin. Radmir ran out of stories, he began to grumble more and more often. Ildar walks silently, without complaints. This man, despite his down-to-earth nature, is much more loyal than he might seem. He doesn’t believe in our destination, but he goes there because his friends are going there and he can’t leave them. Meanwhile, rumors about us spread. From time to time other travelers joined us. They walked with us and tried to find some meaning in our trip. Not finding him, they left, disappointed. Perhaps these were people who had lost everything and were looking for something to believe in. I wish I could give it to them.
***
4 months have passed. We’ve all grown thin. Everyone is weakened… Everyone except me. I felt that my goal was already close. I was on the rise of strength… and on the rise of egoism. I, as the leader of the campaign, distributed food among everyone. I knew that I would need a lot of strength to fulfill my dream and, therefore, I gave others less food than myself. Even Asya. They were all silent about this. Radmir understood everything, he also once had a dream that he lost. Asya was also silent, because she cared about me. Ildar was silent, but there was a silent reproach in his eyes. He had the hardest time of all, because he always gave part of his share to Asya. Well, let it be. I can’t give my attention to anyone when my goal is so close.
***
We approached the foot of the mountain, at the top of which was that magical star. She appeared in my dreams every day. She was so kind and warm. In my sleep I could almost touch her, but then I woke up.
Not everyone made it to the mountain. Only Asya and I got there. Yesterday Radmir and Ildar left. Radmir left silently, Ildar tried for a long time to convince me. He said that I need to open my eyes, that I should stop being blind and chasing the unknown, and pay attention to what I already have. However, he was unable to shake my Faith. I believed that when I found the star, some miracle would happen. I don’t know which one. Maybe I will gain strength, maybe knowledge, but there will be a miracle.
***
I’ve almost made it to the top. One. Yesterday Asya’s legs gave way and she fell. She’s too weak. I felt sorry for her, but I couldn’t help it. That’s what I told her. A tear flowed from her eyes, but she wiped it away with her hand, smiled and said that I must go. That I must fulfill my dream. She said that she regrets that she does not have enough strength to be with me to the end on this path. After these words she closed her eyes. I approached her. She wasn’t breathing. I had a gut feeling that I needed to bury her, but I didn’t have time. I have to hurry. I have to save my strength.
***
It’s finished. I’ve climbed to the very top. I take the last steps towards the crater left by my star. Body trembles with anticipation. I can’t get my thoughts together, they’re running around like cockroaches. The heart beats so hard that it seems as if the mountains are shaking from its beat. I go up to the funnel and look into it..
Shock. Astonishment. Misunderstanding. There is an ordinary stone in the funnel. Maybe I don’t understand something? Maybe I’m not worthy to see the essence of this star. I go down to the bottom of the funnel, I raise a star. She is cold, absolutely not like in my dreams. Tears involuntarily flowed from my eyes, I began to feel the stone, listen to it, knock on it. Nothing. In my hearts, I threw him on the ground. It split and crumbled into many small stones, indistinguishable from those that had previously been lying on the ground.
I lay down on the ground and looked up at the sky. There were many stars shining there. But now they didn’t seem warm, beautiful. I remembered the distance I had to travel for this stone. I remembered what I had to lose. I remembered Radmir’s look full of contempt, Ildar’s look full of bitterness and disappointment. And then I remembered her face. Asya. The best thing that happened in his life. I realized this only now. He remembered her eyes. They were like stars. They were the very stars that warmed him, that shone for him. However, he had not noticed this before. And now these stars have gone out.
It dawned on me that I shouldn’t strive to fulfill my dream, because after this happens, you can be very disappointed and lose everything you had. A miracle still happened. I closed my eyes.